A Late At Night Poem Written While Resisting

I have trouble going all in
I said to a confidant/advisor
"with G-d and religion too?" - he asked
I answered honestly, yes, hating to admit it

There's that saying that I know too well-
"the way we do one thing is the way we do everything"
for me it's that I tend to say yes and no, hide and be seen
hedge my bet, holding back and committing at the same time

Mrs. Blachor taught me the Lit. term, fatal flaw
It sounds all bad, but it's also good- it's in and out
it applies to admirable people and their kryptonite
that's only fatal to them, for me - being in and out

But the thing about being in and out is that it feels safe
and yet, rather than protecting me, it pulls me down
like when I climbed the slide part of the slide as a kid
scared of the ladder, which was the secure way up

So here I am hiding, alone, at home, on my keyboard
While at the same pouring my heart out on Facebook
Managing to be part public and part private, at once
Sitting still, yearning to move forward, looking back

And I want to daven Maariv, and to keep writing this
I don't want to miss the formal prayer, or to stop this
Like how I don't want to date, don't want to be alone
And how I want work without the parts that don't work

I want to finish this poem, and I want to be done with it
I want to go to sleep but don't feel like walking to my bed
I want to be a writer, with you with my words, home alone
I want my life to be perfect, don't feel like perfecting it