A Late At Night Poem Written While Resisting

I have trouble going all in
I said to a confidant/advisor
"with G-d and religion too?" - he asked
I answered honestly, yes, hating to admit it

There's that saying that I know too well-
"the way we do one thing is the way we do everything"
for me it's that I tend to say yes and no, hide and be seen
hedge my bet, holding back and committing at the same time

Mrs. Blachor taught me the Lit. term, fatal flaw
It sounds all bad, but it's also good- it's in and out
it applies to admirable people and their kryptonite
that's only fatal to them, for me - being in and out

But the thing about being in and out is that it feels safe
and yet, rather than protecting me, it pulls me down
like when I climbed the slide part of the slide as a kid
scared of the ladder, which was the secure way up

So here I am hiding, alone, at home, on my keyboard
While at the same pouring my heart out on Facebook
Managing to be part public and part private, at once
Sitting still, yearning to move forward, looking back

And I want to daven Maariv, and to keep writing this
I don't want to miss the formal prayer, or to stop this
Like how I don't want to date, don't want to be alone
And how I want work without the parts that don't work

I want to finish this poem, and I want to be done with it
I want to go to sleep but don't feel like walking to my bed
I want to be a writer, with you with my words, home alone
I want my life to be perfect, don't feel like perfecting it

After Sandy

Nov 4, 2012

By Neil Fleischmann

Never take
the short end
of being a friend:

you never know
what you send

or can tell how
much you mend

with your
unique blend

of being
a friend.

or should the firsr 3 lines be the title

 40 Years On

I don't remember what game it was

But I remember playing it

It was girls against boys

They were trying to catch us

But no-one was running after me

Then one girl chased me for a bit

And I remain grateful today

-----------------------------------

Times and roles have changed

He thanks me and it throws me

And it breaks my heart

For I love his tenderness

Yet it's not exactly him

---------------------------------

We talk around things

Arguments about hampers

Are not about that

Things are metaphorical

While remaining what they are

--------------------------------

He tried to be kind

He tried to process the day

And then the sun rose

And he sighed and then he prayed

Then he ate and went to sleep

When I Say It

 "Oh my G-d" 

doesn't mean.

"Oh my G-d"

it means

"I don't know."

And "I don't know"

doesn't mean 

"I don't know"

it means

"oh my G-d,

please help me."